


Santa Baby

by HeartlessMemo



Series: Soft Nandermo Hours (Stand-Alone Fics) [6]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Getting Together, Holidays, M/M, Matchmaking, Pre-Canon, Young Memo, smooches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27508099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessMemo/pseuds/HeartlessMemo
Summary: 20-year-old Guillermo is sad to be spending his first holiday season away from family. Nandor concocts a plan to cheer him up while struggling with annoying fantasies about his familiar's plump little body.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Series: Soft Nandermo Hours (Stand-Alone Fics) [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881676
Comments: 17
Kudos: 54





	Santa Baby

**Author's Note:**

> I told you guys that once the clock struck November I'd be in xmas mode, right? Falalalala! Lalalala!
> 
> Enjoy! Comments and kudos are very kind.

“Nandor!”

Nadja’s shrill voice cut through the quiet, cozy crypt. Nandor set his book down upon his lap with a long-suffering sigh. It had taken twenty minutes for Guillermo to dress him, an hour to stalk and kill a suitable victim, another hour of bathing to cleanse away the carnage, and he’d just sat down to enjoy the next chapter in his young adult paranormal romance story when his roommate decided to interrupt his quiet time!

“Yes, Nadja, what is it now? Witches meddling with the draperies? Laszlo is ensnared in your sexy net again? Ghouls in the garbage disposal? Can’t you see I am trying to do my evil reading?”

The female vampire rolled her eyes with a lop-sided sneer, baring her fangs and hissing in annoyance. “I have merely come to give you a piece of friendly advice. If you do not want it then you can continue to strut around like a turkey with its head in a bag, blind to reality. I really don’t care—”

“Nadja! Come on! Just tell me whatever it is you wish to say so that I can go back to my ‘me time.’”

She wrinkled her nose but deigned to respond with an air of supreme benevolence, “I just wanted to give you a little hint that your new familiar is starting to smell sad. You had better do something about that now, before the stench starts to settle into my taxidermy!”

Nandor dropped his mouth open and rolled his eyes. “Guillermo does not _smell sad_ , Nadja. He smells like blood.” And fresh-tilled earth. And sunshine. And coffee. And that lavender body wash that Nandor steals out of his little cubby in the bathroom… “You are just making up fairy stories to cause troubles in the household because you’re angry with Laszlo!”

Nadja growled, raking her claws through the air threateningly. The 750-year-old vampire flinched and shrank back in his seat. Nadja was scary, especially during one of Laszlo’s erstwhile dalliances with the Brooklyn witches. He’d heard them shouting and shrieking about it all evening.

“Well!” He added, annoyed at himself for showing fear. “Perhaps Guillermo is merely a little jumpy because there are a couple of scary, powerful vampires shouting and throwing furniture all over of the place!”

Nadja grunted in frustration, stomping her foot as she grated out, “I have been smelling his putrid sadness for weeks now and if you do not do something about it I am going to pluck out all of the hairs from your arsehole and use them to make a brush to clean my precious babies! Fix Gizmo!”

She twirled, the heavy fabric of her skirt swishing in her wake as she stomped out of the crypt. Nandor slapped the paperback cover of his book, biting his fangs into his lower lip in a nervous tick as he frowned. What the fuck was he supposed to do about it? If Guillermo was sad why didn’t he just go into his closet room and beat off into the pillow? Or perhaps go to a roller disco and mingle with some human ladies?

Hm. Now that he thought about it, Nandor was pretty sure roller discos were no longer a thing. And he wasn’t too certain about ladies either. He thought of the few times recently when he’d noticed an interesting stutter in Guillermo’s heartbeat. It always seemed to occur when the round little fellow was close to Nandor: tying his cravat, lint-rolling his cape, fixing his hair… 

Nandor absently fanned the pages of his book and smiled slightly, his eyes distant. Guillermo certainly was different from past familiars. Nandor had rarely known a human with such delectably plush curves… and that wide, ample backside! He reminded Nandor of his most favorite wife, Andrakis. Her hips swelled with vitality, fat and juicy and just made to wrap around him. The memory of sweet Andrakis moaning above him, called to mind a new image: _Guillermo, naked, flushed, panting and straining while Nandor lay back on silk sheets…_

If it were possible, Nandor would have blushed. He coughed and adjusted the crotch of his pants, marveling to feel himself stir to arousal after so many years of dispassionate boredom when it came to sex. This was very embarrassing. To be fantasizing over a familiar! Also, this wasn’t the point, was it? What was the point?

Guillermo was sad?

Well, what the shit did Nadja expect Nandor to do about it?

* * *

He found Guillermo doing one of his familiar’s very favorite activities: dusting. The little guy was up on his tippy toes trying to reach the skulls on the mantelpiece in the fancy room. Nandor’s eyes roamed down his plump frame of their own accord, lingering on the swell of his ass beneath khaki trousers. He grimaced, hissing quietly to himself and shaking his head to snap out of the spell cast by Guillermo’s rump.

“Do you need a boost?” he asked, startling the human as he soundlessly glided up behind him. Nandor preened a little at the look of surprised fright on Guillermo’s face, even if it melted away almost immediately. He had been his familiar for almost a whole year now and Nandor sometimes missed the way he could so easily frighten the little man in the beginning. Still, Guillermo’s rosy blush and the slight curve of his lips was also very delightful in a different way.

“Oh! Um… thank you, Master. Yes.” The redness on his cheeks bloomed even more and Nandor had to swallow a hungry groan. He placed his large, lethal hands carefully over Guillermo’s waist, lifting him as if he were made from that fibrous, puffy candy sold at the human freak shows.

“Up you go, Guillermo! Make sure you are respecting of the skulls while you dust. I think one of them belonged to my old familiar, James.”

Guillermo nearly dropped his feather duster, yelping and cringing away from the morbid evidence of Nandor’s past. “Wh-what happened to him?”

Nandor paused before answering. He was now eye-level with Guillermo’s behind and deeply regretting his life choices. It took him a long moment to process the question. “James? Ehhm… There was an unfortunate hypnosis accident. This was hundreds of years ago, Guillermo. I am much more careful now with my humans. Do not be worrying your tiny head.”

When Guillermo made no move to touch the skulls Nandor asked, “Finished with your dusting?”

The human nodded silently and Nandor returned him to the ground, setting him down with infinite care. Humans could be surprisingly fragile. He wisely decided against informing Guillermo that some of the other skulls around the household were the results of his learning that lesson first-hand.

“Now, I have come here, interrupting my story time, because Nadja has been telling me that you are feeling a little glum. Is this true?” His voice dripped with condescending solicitude. 

Guillermo’s big, brown eyes reflected the amber glow of candlelight. Their twinkling was very distracting and Nandor found himself frowning in dismay. He should really not be thinking of his soft human servant in this way. It was highly inappropriate. And _gross_. He wanted to curse Nadja for making a fool out of him, only then he noticed the way that Guillermo responded to his words: his gaze lowered and his shoulders slumped. _Oh._ He _was_ sad. Nandor did not like that one bit.

“I’ll be fine, Master. It’s just the time of year, you know?” Guillermo spun the duster in his hands and looked up at Nandor through long lashes. 

Nandor curled his lip and scrunched his brows together as he responded, “Winter?”

“The _holidays_ …” Guillermo corrected and then, without thinking, “Christmas.”

Nandor broke out into an aggrieved hiss, flicking Guillermo’s shoulder with a limp slap. “Hey! Watch it with that shit! It’s like a burning in my ears!”

Guillermo’s eyes widened and he held out his hands placatingly, apologizing profusely. 

Nandor waved away his concern and continued, “The… _Ex-mass_ holiday is making you sad? I thought humans loved that holiday. With the trees and the cookies and the man in the velvet suit who comes to your bedroom in the nighttimes?”

Guillermo sighed. “Well, it’s just—” He gestured to the room around them, encompassing the air of gothic, decayed glory with a flourish of his pudgy little hands. “ — It’s not very… _Ex-massy_ around here, is it? And I understand! It’s offensive to you guys. But, this is my first year being away from home during the holidays and I’m a little down about it, I suppose…” His voice trailed off and his face fell. 

Nandor smelled something salty on the air and he noticed Guillermo’s eyes growing glassy. _Oh, no…_

“Well… I suppose it would not be _too_ much of an imposition for you to have _one_ day off. As a treat.” The minute the words left his lips Guillermo’s face lit up with a beatific smile that made Nandor’s cold, dead heart swell in his chest. The lonely prospect of dressing himself, hunting alone, idling away the long hours of the night without Guillermo’s heartbeat providing a soothing, cozy background track— it was all instantly worth it to see his familiar’s handsome face glowing with happiness. Happiness that Nandor created!

Before he could do anything to stop it, the little guy was rushing forward and wrapping his soft, surprisingly strong arms around Nandor’s middle. He pressed his face into Nandor’s chest, heaved in a deep breath and gushed out his gratitude.

“Thank you, Master! I’ll make sure and have a virgin ready in the cell for you. And I’ll lay out your outfit for the evening and—”

“Yes, yes, very good,” Nandor interjected, gingerly patting Guillermo’s curls and grimacing fiercely as he attempted to repress the conflicting urges within him. It felt like two wolves were fighting a deadly battle in Nandor’s heart. One of them wishing to _eat_ Guillermo. The other wishing to _kiss_ him.

* * *

Nandor stood in the foyer awaiting Guillermo's return from his mother's abode. He fidgeted nervously with his garish polyester suit. The material was itchy and cheap and the bright red and white clashed terribly with the rich, mauve cape he wore over it. He had outright refused to wear the hat, but he thought that Guillermo would get the idea. His roommates were conspicuously absent, a fact that should have comforted Nandor during his moment of great vulnerability, but which only caused him to narrow his eyes and glance over his shoulder in suspicion. 

The fiddling at the front door distracted him from his worry and Nandor straightened his spine, holding out his arms in a gesture of welcome and jumping forward as the door finally swung open. 

“Merry _Ex-mass_ , Guillermo!” he shouted, reaching toward him with hands raised in wicked-looking claws. 

Guillermo yelped in shock, jumping back onto the front step and nearly toppling over backwards. Nandor rushed forward in an instant, gripping the lapels of his familiar’s winter coat and steadying him. 

“Careful there, Guillermo! You don’t want to fall down the stairs and bash your head. It would be very painful and also quite messy.” He put his hand on the small of the man’s back and ushered him inside with the thrilled impatience of someone with a surprise waiting. “Did you have a nice celebration? Are you feeling better now? You can return to doing your familiar duties without making the house smell like your sadness?”

Guillermo parted his lips in an awkward smile. One eye twitched as he flicked his gaze down to take in Nandor’s outfit. “Y-yes, it was nice. Sorry, what are you wearing?”

Nandor grinned toothily, his fangs protruding over his plump lower lip. “Do you like it?” He did a spin, cape billowing out around him. “I am Santa Claws! I know when you are sleeping, Guillermo! And when you are doing naughty things on the internet!” Guillermo’s face erupted in a magnificent scarlet. Nandor opened his mouth and hissed with the pleasure of it before continuing, “I have a surprise for you in the fancy room! Come!”

He grabbed his familiar’s little hand in his own, tugging him through the doorway and gesturing to the towering, crooked Balsam propped up in one corner of the room. It’s tip scraped the ceiling and the branches took up nearly a quarter of the room. The thing was massive and smelled strongly of pine needles. One of Nandor’s wicked, polished battle axes leaned against the wall nearby, it’s blade coated in sticky sap and wood chips. 

Guillermo’s mouth fell open in wonder, he stepped forward slowly, reaching out a hand and touching one of the springy branches as if to confirm that it was real. Nandor’s guts quivered with excitement. Guillermo looked _spellbound_. The vampire might have failed at surprises in the past— his surprise anniversary party for Nadja and Laszlo coming to mind. He’d spent _hours_ trapped in bat form, forced to witness their perverted love-making— but this time he had gotten it _right_! Guillermo’s heart was galloping in his chest and his cheeks were warm and round with the grin that stretched his lips. 

Nandor stepped forward and indicated the bits and baubles he’d used to decorate the tree. He’d emptied out his cravat drawer and selected his most colorful pieces, tying them round the branches in little bows. Then he’d scoured the seldom-used dining room, purloining several gold and crystal goblets which he’d nestled precariously between the boughs. Finally, and most inspired, he’d dotted the tree with the leering, gruesome visages from the vampires’ skull collection. All in all he thought it was the perfect blend of festive and macabre. Secretly, he thrilled at how wonderfully the tree seemed to reflect _them_ : Nandor and Guillermo.

“Do you like the decorations?” he asked, fiddling with the tip of a bendy branch and feigning nonchalance as he awaited Guillermo’s answer. 

Guillermo inhaled, his lips twitching and his eyes dancing with light. “It’s beautiful, Master. Thank you. But…” He turned back to the tree, tipping his face back to glance at the top. “Do you have a star or an angel or…?”

Nandor didn’t respond for a beat, caught up in watching Guillermo’s sweet, open face. His mind-- intent on sullying the wholesome occasion-- provided him with an image of that face, bent back and gazing up at _Nandor_ in adoration as Guillermo knelt down before him…

“Err… Yes!” Nandor snapped, jumping back and rushing over to his desk. “I have been saving the best part until you were home.” He snatched the construction paper tree-topper from the cluttered desk and held it out to Guillermo with a shy, proud smile. It was a crude cutout, covered in glitter and depicting a man in profile. He had long, dark hair and a brooding brow. “It is your favorite vampire!”

Guillermo’s eyes flicked from the craft, to Nandor’s face and back down again. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, speechless.

“Armand!" Nandor prompted. "From the _Interrogation of the Vampire_!”

Guillermo’s eyebrows shot up and he breathed out a laugh. “Oh! Armand! Wow, Master, that is so… thoughtful. Thank you.”

Nandor puffed out his chest in pride. “Are you wanting to put it on the tippy top of the tree?”

“Well, I can’t reach. Do we have a ladder, or—?”

Guillermo’s voice cut off in a breathy squeak as Nandor swiftly walked around behind him and wrapped his arms around the human’s soft, pillowy tummy. The vampire tightened his grip, hugging Guillermo from behind, and ducking his face into the small man’s luscious, bouncy curls. He smelled of cinnamon and shampoo. Nandor sighed as he took it in, cataloging the scent for later consideration. “Ready?” he asked and then, without further warning, jumped up into the air, flying them to the top of the tree with ease. 

Guillermo grabbed at Nandor’s forearms, his feet kicking out as they dangled in empty air. He let out a bubbling, joyful laugh. “We’re flying!”

Nandor tightened his grip, mindful of the way Guillermo squirmed against him. He grit his teeth, determined to suppress the arousal that was now, for some _mysterious_ reason, plaguing him. “ _Yes_ , Guillermo,” he lilted with saccharine condescension. “It is like you are a real vampire!”

Guillermo giggled in response. Nandor had rarely seen the human so carefree and joyous. It warmed his heart even as it stabbed just a little. He handed over the homemade decoration carefully and the little guy reached up as high as he could, gently setting it in place.

“There,” Guillermo said, clutching onto Nandor’s arms for dear life as he carefully, slowly turned around in his embrace. He looked up at Nandor then, those big, innocent, charming, endearing eyes sparkling, and he offered him a smile. “It’s beautiful, Master. Thank you.”

They hung suspended in the air together, Nandor wrapping Guillermo in a fierce, tight hug and Guillermo looking up at Nandor like _he_ was the decoration at the top of the _Ex-mass_ tree. Their faces were so close that Nandor could feel the hot, moist ghost of Guillermo’s breath against his lips. The vibration of Guillermo’s pounding heart rumbled into Nandor’s own quiet chest. His human was all softness and warmth and blood and life and he was held in Nandor’s arms like a fragile baby birdy. With the flick of his wrist Nandor could extinguish that life. But he would never.

“You know something, Master?” Guillermo’s voice was soft and his face looked dreamy. His gaze kept flicking down toward Nandor’s chin area instead of maintaining eye contact. Very odd. And distracting. Nandor suddenly worried that the pesky arousal hounding him all evening might make its presence _felt_ at this very inopportune moment. He was already thinking about lowering them back down to earth when Guillermo spoke again. “Armand isn’t my favorite vampire anymore.”

And then the little human grabbed Nandor’s cravat, tugged him forward and planted his lips on Nandor’s in a kiss that stole the uncertainty, the conflict and the doubt straight out of Nandor’s head. Nandor the Relentless, conqueror of thousands, pillager of peasants and sullier of the Euphrates, fell completely, hopelessly, pitifully under the power of a 20-year-old ex-goth from the Bronx with a vampire kink.

They kissed. Lips slipping, fangs nipping, hands clutching and breath panting. Nandor purred low in his chest. Guillermo moaned, high pitched and whining. As the kiss went on they drifted through the air, eventually crashing gently into the tree and knocking several priceless crystal goblets to the floor with a tinkling, lyrical smash. They kissed so long and so passionately that neither man noticed the audience watching from the doorway.

* * *

“I told you so, darling,” Nadja crooned, nipping playfully at her husband’s neck. “They just needed a little guidance from an expert.”

Laszlo rolled his eyes and retorted in a stage whisper, “I hardly think you can take credit for Nandor getting it into his head to stage a Charlie Brown Jeebus Special, my sweet lambkin.”

For his part, Colin Robinson remained quiet. He was more than content to feed off the couple’s annoyed bickering as they wandered off to the library, leaving the new lovers to their explorations.


End file.
